Updated: Nov 11, 2019
A miscarriage is one of the worst times a person can go through. I know this from personal experience. I also know how incredibly difficult it is to think about trying again and all the fear that goes with it.
Before you read any further into my story, I do want to warn you. If you’re not comfortable yet with talking about pregnancy after a miscarriage, please don’t read any further. I do want to tell you that with time, you will heal. You’re not alone and whether you try again and have your rainbow or you decide not to try again, just take care of yourself. That’s what is most important.
For now, I’d like to share with you my story of the roller coaster that comes with miscarriage and trying to get pregnant again.
My Dear Baby Stokes
I’ve talked before about our loss, but I’d love to share just a little bit more. We lost Baby Stokes right at the "safe zone" mark. So, just as we were becoming sure that everything would be okay, our world came crashing down. My husband and I didn’t start trying again for a month after all was said and done.
It took time for me to realize that our lost child taught us some valuable lessons. Our dear Baby Stokes taught us to appreciate every single moment, even in the darkest hours. We learned what truly unconditional love is. We both still love our very 1st baby dearly, even if we never got to hold them. In the midst of this tragedy, I started my business and am able to help others go through the darkest hours of their lives too and know that they can come out on the other side with battle scars but not completely broken.
Trying Again And Again
I thought I was ready, but after trying for over a year , nothing. We did our research and met with my doctor. At 28, I was devastated to hear that I should come back in a few more months to discuss other options if nothing happened. Who wants to hear that in their 20s?
Despite being genuinely happy for others as they shouted their happy news about expecting, I couldn’t help feeling sad too. Why me? Why us? Why couldn’t I get pregnant again?
So, we stopped actively trying. We didn’t go back to the doctor as planned. Instead, I threw myself into my workouts, building Unbothered Goddess and being more carefree. My husband was feeling the same way. He focused on his workouts and a less stressful daily life. We even discussed a future without children, such as traveling more and making investments. After all, we had a nephew and three young godchildren.
Letting Go And Finally…
When we finally let go and fully allowed ourselves to just live again without pressure, it happened! I’d like to announce our happy news – we’re expecting again! Right now, we’re calling our upcoming bundle Baby Stokes 2.0.
Of course, we wanted to keep the news to ourselves for as long as possible at first. After all the wishing, dreaming and praying, we were still terrified. I had nightmares and kept checking the toilet paper after every bathroom trip. I even took multiple pregnancy tests weeks later just to make sure baby was still there based on how strong the lines still were over time. Hearing that little heartbeat finally helped us let go of the fear and just be excited.
Spreading The News
Even though we found out in March, we only told our parents and a select few friends who see me often. I told my husband with a card and the after the storm comes a rainbow onesie I’d bought after our loss in preparation for another announcement one day.
I’m so thankful for the friends who I did tell initially who’d lost and had their rainbow. You know exactly what to say. To my friends who’ve never lost, I appreciate your excitement and kind words. Even though some things were insensitive, I know you didn’t mean them because you’ve never been through this. But, I do genuinely appreciate you and your efforts.
Finally, to my friends who are still trying, thank you so much for your friendship. Keep sharing your stories. I’ll always be there to listen, no matter what your news may be. I won’t bother you to talk about your baby journey because I know how hard it can be. If I’m ever talking to you about my journey and you don’t want to hear it right now, just tell me. I fully understand and won't be offended.
Right To Feel Bad
After all I’d been through, I didn’t think I had the right to complain about my first trimester hot flashes, exhaustion, sensitive nose, irritability, back pain, gas, throwing up, etc. But yes, I do have the right to complain. I’m entitled to not feel ok because that’s just part of expecting. Growing a person is hard work.
To All My Friends, Family And Strangers
I just want to thank my friends and family for understanding when I don’t feel like hanging out right now. To everyone out there, whether we’ve met or not, know that I’m hypersensitive to those dealing with loss and those still trying. I’m sending out all the good vibes possible!
I hear you, I see you, I'm with you <3
Image: Mustafa Omar